A brave new goal

I have loved to read everything I could get my hands on and I've loved to write ever since I was a kid. I loved to write stories, and to journal about my life, achingly analyzing each event all through middle and high school. As life became more about writing papers in college, reflection essays in graduate school, or letters to parents at work as a teacher, my passion and time spent writing waned. I've kept up the journaling a bit, especially as a way to relieve stress and to unburden my worried mind in times of conflict. But I still love language, love to read, love to tell stories. I have also always harbored a dream of being the next Beverly Cleary, Judy Blume, Laura Ingalls Wilder, or (dream big!) J.K. Rowling. Have I nurtured this dream by studying creative writing in college, or working on stories in my free time? No. Have I worked consistently to bring this dream to reality by attending writing conferences or courses? No. I got caught up, as is understandable, in creating a life for myself that followed the path of college and a financially stable job. I know, excuses, excuses. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Well, I can feel this urge to write more welling up in me. I have no idea if it'll go anywhere, or if I'll end up a published writer or anything as amazing as that, but I've set some goals for myself. Here we go:
Goal 1: To begin writing a minimum of three days a week. My focus will be on trying different fiction story ideas, specifically for children or young adults.
Goal 2: To find some resources that offer tips and guides about how to improve my writing skills.
Goal 3: To study 1 children's author's craft a month, by reading at least 2 of his or her books and looking at his or her style.
Goal 4: To eventually, within the next year, join the South Carolina Writer's Workshop, attending at least two of their meetings.
Goal 5: Within the next year, to attend the South Carolina Writer's Workshop conference in Myrtle Beach.
Now, I know you're probably saying I'm insane because I'm due to have my first baby in about 5 weeks, and I have no idea how much work that's going to entail. I agree with you. But, it's good to have goals, right? Wish me luck!

32 weeks and at the beach!

How baby entertains himself these days...Lopsided belly!

My little guy really seems to have taken a liking to my right hand side, and a few times a day I can look down at my belly and tell exactly where he's pushing on me. I tried to catch the "lopsided belly" phenomenon this morning...

Ow.

So, it seems that my little buddy has found a very comfortable spot in my belly. Specifically, on the right side of my belly, pressing his head into my hip and broad/round ligaments. OW! The cool part is when he presses on my belly and makes it look lopsided. I don't know why this entertains me so much, but it really does. The downside to this is that it hurts, plain and simple. The pain got so bad a few days ago on vacation that I had to sleep sitting up! I just could not get comfortable on either side in order to actually rest, so I propped some pillows behind me and made it through the night. I have so many pregnant friends right now, but it doesn't seem like any of them are having these issues. ???? Most that I talk to just tell me that they're mainly tired (yes, me too) but I haven't heard much about them being in pain from the stretching their bellies are doing. Oh well. I am definitely feeling much more pregnant these days. I'll be 33 weeks on Monday, wow! Much more often these days, I feel like my little guy is a full grown guy...heavy! I know he's actually still a peanut, not even five pounds yet, but it's just amazing how different I feel now than I did a few weeks or a month ago. I am SO thankful that the school year has ended, and I've been able to take it easy these last few weeks. I'm just not sure how other ladies do it- work right up until their water breaks. Vacation pictures hopefully coming soon- waiting on my sister to email some to me.

Things I'm looking forward to...for me...

A few things I've been missing lately..
Red wine, white wine, beer. Okay, I promise I'm not an alcoholic.In fact, before I got pregnant, I had cut out most alcohol anyway, because we were trying to conceive. If I drank, it'd be maybe a glass of wine or two. It's just been a strange ride not being able to partake at all. It's the whole wanting something you KNOW you can't have thing.
Groucho's. If you know anything about Groucho's Deli sandwiches, you know what I'm talking about. I miss their special "45 Sauce" SO much! A visit to Groucho's Deli was our standard Saturday lunch before I got pregnant. My fear of deli meat (even though Groucho's heats up their sandwiches) made me decide to abstain. It is at the TOP of my list for a post-delivery meal!
Sleeping on my stomach and back. Enough said.
Working off stress at the gym. For those that know me, you may be questioning this. But, for several months before we got pregnant, I started making regular trips to the gym to really work out work related stress, as well as my anxiety over how long it seemed to be taking us to conceive. I actually think my time on the treadmill and elliptical machines helped us conceive when we did!
Feta cheese, bleu cheese, etc. YUM.
Dessert. This is mostly due to the gestational diabetes diet. I've been able to work in a few sweets here and there, such as 100 calorie fudge pops, but it's not quite the same.
Sonic's Cherry Limeades. Again, due to the gestational diabetes diet.
Twizzlers at the movies-GD diet. :) Can you tell I have a sweet tooth?
Starbucks, diet soda, artificial sweetener in my coffee and tea. I've been abstaining from these to be sure that they don't affect baby's health. I bet it's probably healthier for me, too, but I still miss it.
SUSHI. OH MY GOSH, that is ALSO on my post-delivery list of meals!!
Hot dogs. Yes, I know what they say about hot dogs, but I don't care. I want one. With chili. Or coleslaw. Or relish. Or all of the above. Yum.
Hot stone massages. My absolute favorite, in fact I don't like regular massages because I always wind up with pinched nerves from overzealous hands!
Being able to shop at several stores in a row. Now, 30 minutes into Target and my feet, back and hips start hurting. :) Although, I am aware that I probably won't be able to return to this hobby for a looooong time once the little guy arrives! That's okay. :)
Wearing my wedding rings. I can still get them on, but they have started leaving marks on my finger, and I'm afraid to leave them on too long, for fear they'll get stuck.
A little caveat- please don't take this as complaining, because that is NOT my intention. I would give all this stuff up permanently if I had to for my little guy. It's just been a bizarre world of change since I got pregnant, and I suppose that this is almost like training for mother/parenthood. Maybe these sacrifices we make while we're pregnant are a small, small, indication of what kinds of sacrifices we will make once we become parents.

Things that I'm freaking out about...(Pouring my heart out, in honor of my sis' blog!)

The UNKNOWN. SO much is unknown right now.
Is this going to be too hard? The labor, the pain, the delivery?
The fact that we are utterly responsible for our little guy's safety, health, well- being, development.
Am I too inherently selfish for this job, this role as mother?
Will I be a good parent? Will DH be a good parent?
Will we agree on discipline?
How will my relationship change with DH? We believe strongly that the marriage is and should be the center of the family, and that our roles as husband and wife should come first. But, there are guaranteed to be big changes for us on the horizon. What will they be? How will they affect us, our relationship?
Will I become boring to my husband? Especially when my role as mom is going to be very time consuming and exhausting?
Will we run out of things to talk about? Will we turn into one of those couples at restaurants that simply sit across from each other, chewing, not interacting?
Will I have the energy to do this?
Will I have the energy to stay ME throughout this transition?
Will anxiety get the best of me when it comes to my child?
I've always imagined having several children- 3 or 4 at least. But really, truly, do I have the temperament for that many? What about money? Kids are EXPENSIVE!
I'm going to miss the 'just the two of us' time, the ability to hop in the car or on a plane and go somewhere fun and exciting.
How do people do this? We want a good sized family, but this pregnancy journey has worn me out emotionally. There is so much unknown, so many fears throughout each stage of pregnancy. People actually do this more than once or twice?? Does it get easier with each pregnancy? And I haven't even really HAD a difficult pregnancy. I just get myself so worked up with worrying about the baby's health, how my choices are affecting him, what I eat, how he's growing, is he moving enough, will he come early? (God forbid!) How will I deal with labor and delivery? How will nursing go? What if it is too challenging for us to nurse?
How do these women do it? These women that seem to 'have it all, to do it all'? The women that have babies, go back to work that they seem to love, maintain their sense of identity, keep up their hobbies, go on trips with their husband and child(ren) as if nothing has changed? Where do they get the energy? Do they worry about the caretakers that are with their children while they're at work? Not just about their child(ren)'s safety with these caretakers, but about whether the caretaker is taking THEIR place in the child's life? I'm seriously curious. I wonder if I'm too neurotic to leave my child with anyone like that on a regular, all day basis.
That's just some of the worries that streak across my brain at any given time throughout the day. I love, love, love my child already and only want him to be healthy and well, but this is the honest truth of the other things I'm feeling emotionally.

Things I'm looking forward to...

I love the library. It's part of my geeky, language arts teacher genetic makeup that I absolutely feel at home and at peace in the cool quiet of the public library. I love it so much that I have many times thought of going back to school to become a media specialist and work as a public school media specialist. But that's another blog post entirely. I was visiting my favorite place a few days ago, and all around me were moms and dads with their children, looking at different books, signing up for the Summer Reading program, and generally exploring the library. It was wonderful! As I was checking out, one mom was securing library cards for each of her children. How cool! It got me thinking about the things I can't wait to do with our little guy. I don't want to rush through life just to get to these events and activities, and I know that there will be amazing milestones each day of his life that I haven't even thought of yet. But, I think one of the best things about being a parent is showing your child the world, and seeing him experience things for the first time. So, here's just a brief list of the things I can't wait to experience with our son.
-Visit the library with him on a regular basis. Attend story times, puppet shows, check out books and DVDs, and explore the world through books!
-Take him to the zoo and let him see those animals we've read about it in person!
-Take him to an aquarium. I have witnessed the awe of an aquarium through my niece's eyes, and can't wait to see my son's reaction when we get to see penguins and fish and sea turtles, oh my!
-Watch him play and conquer a playground. I'm sure I'll be a nervous wreck as his bravery and physical ability grow and he's able to (gulp) swing by himself or hang from the monkey bars, but it'll be worth it.
-Visit my Aunt Emma's house in Pennsylvania. This house has been in my family since before I was born. It's where we've had Christmases, funerals, family reunions, birthday parties, and where I spent a few weeks a year as a child. It is a magical place to me, and I can't wait to take him there.
-Take him to an annual Apple Festival in Maryland with my mom and aunts. This is a craft type fair, with all kinds of food, hay rides, animals, music and fun.
-Watch him play his first sports- whatever they may be.
-Take him to Carolina football games, especially once he's old enough to appreciate what's happening on the field.
-Take him to sit on Santa's lap.
-Make Father's Day cards for DH with him.
-Take him trick or treating!!!
-Experience Christmas Eve mass and Christmas mornings with him.
-Take him to swim lessons and watch him become more confident and able in his swimming abilities.
-Watch my husband interact with him in a million different ways, from diaper changing to soothing him when he's fussy, to feeding him solid foods, to teaching him how to hold a golf club, and so on.
That's all I can think of for now. Did I miss anything big?