Confessions of an Angry Housewife

Before I begin, let me just say that I know, in my heart and in my head, how lucky I am. I have a beautiful, healthy, amazing son, and a wonderful husband who loves me. I have a roof over my head that brings me shelter, comfort and provides a place for my family to grow and bond. I have great friends, and the best family a person could ask for. I get it. I know this, and I am eternally grateful.

But.


But somedays, sometimes, a girl just gets sick and tired of some things. Sometimes a girl takes a look at her life, at the way she spends her time, at the first things to enter her mind each morning (Tuesday. Floor Day. Must make sure I move all the chairs off the hardwoods. Pack Munchkin's snack for preschool. Return faulty baby gate to store.) before her feet even hit the floor, and sometimes that girl just can't.take.another.second.

When I dreamed of staying at home with my children, I didn't dream of feeling like the maid. I didn't dream of sweating by 9 am every morning, attempting to get myself, my little person, and all of our collective crap out the door. I didn't dream of feeling as if my home OWNED me, owned my time, owned the majority of my thought life. I didn't dream of the resentment I'd feel at going to the bathroom while keeping my wriggly, tantrum throwing son away from the toilet brush. I certainly didn't dream of the guilt that would flood through me every single time I spoke too sharply, or felt relief when dropping the Munckin off at preschool. (Two and a half hours all to myself!!! Oh. Hell. It's Floor Day. #$&#($($#&!!!)

I had no idea what I was asking for when I decided to stay at home. And those of you out there reading this, who've never stayed home with your children, and are scoffing at my resentments- this blog entry is not for you. I don't know what your life is like, and you don't know mine. It's my blog and I'll write what I want to. :)) I can't count how many times I've wondered, as I'm scrubbing the floor, folding another load of laundry, picking up yet.another.pea. off the floor or getting kicked in the boobs AGAIN while trying to change the poopy diaper of a screaming toddler, WHAT IS THE POINT??????

Did I work all my life- for THIS? My parents raised both my sister and I to believe that college was neither- 1)optional nor 2) a place for us to solely search out our "MRS. degree." Of course, family and having kids has always been a goal of mine, a dream of mine. I couldn't wait to be able to stay home with my kids, and avoid the unbelievable stress of having to work outside the home and raise kids and take care of a home. Until that happened, I was going to teach. And teach I did. I chose teaching bc I was good at it, and bc I couldn't imagine getting up each morning and going to a job that I didn't feel had worth or value. Making money was (obviously) not my first priority. I wanted to do something important. Something that made the world a better place.

But now, my second year away from the classroom, I just don't know what my purpose is any more. I know the time I spend with the Wiz- reading, playing, teaching, talking, singing, disciplining, laughing, and yes, changing diapers/bathing/feeding/nurturing- all of those things have purpose and value. I realize that being a mother (whether it's stay at home or not) is a MOSTLY thankless job. (Hello, I was a teacher for 6 years. That's probably one of the top 5 other most thankless jobs out there, right behind mother and trash collector. I'm used to it.) But with teaching I felt that just about everything I did had a purpose. Even the small, annoying, tedious things had value, contributed to the bigger picture of educating these kids. Standing in front of a copy machine, enduring finger cramps from cutting out countless bears/bunnies/gingerbread men out of construction paper, and yes even the most POINTLESS of " district staff development" meetings. I always seemed to endure those much more willingly than I am able to endure the same level of tedium as a homemaker.

You know that old adage about the needle and the haystack? I feel as if the needle in my haystack is my Purpose, or my Value. The haystack- each tiny, itchy piece of hay- are the tedious, humbling, boring tasks that I am stuck with. They are weighing down on my purpose, suffocating it.

Big News! (It's NOT what you think!)

** Disclaimer- as this is a public blog, I don't use formal names but instead refer to hubby as The Wiz and to our little guy as The Munchkin. For all of you friends and family reading this blog for the first time, just wanted you to know.)**


No, we're not currently pregnant. (Silly friends! That's a simple FB status post.
This news is going to require a little more info and detail than that, although it would be a wonderful, welcome blessing to have that news again!)

My dear, wonderful, sweet hubby, who works so hard and who always has the big picture in mind, who works for our well-being and for our future, has received a (well-deserved) job promotion. It is truly a wonderful thing, and I am so excited for him. He will be working in a managerial level for his large, international company, doing national training for patient services. He has been really wanting to get into a leadership role (as I'll attest this is one of his strong suits-leading) and this is just such an opportunity.

This opportunity is also located in Chicago, Illinois, where the home office of his company is located. Which means, dear friends and family (drum roll!)...... after 21 years of living in South Carolina, this lil' southern transplant is MOVING.

Now I've had my share of moves throughout my life. We moved from Rhode Island to SC when I was 9 for my dad's job. I spent one ill-advised semester at a rather, ahem, "rural" in-state university until I realized I missed the 'big city' of Columbia and game home to blessed Univ. of S. Carolina, where I earned my bachelor's and master's degrees.

Through college (and after!) I moved lots of times- out of dorm rooms, into different apartments, back home for grad school, back to apartments with roommates, without a roommate, back to a roommate, then finally into our current home when the Wiz and I got married.

I know this entire state (it seems) like the back of my hand. I know the short cuts, the rough parts of town, the bad traffic spots to avoid, and approximately how long it will take to get pretty much anywhere within my beautiful state of South Carolina. I have memories and experiences associated with almost every local neighborhood, shopping center, and area of my suburb.

If you put a map of Columbia, SC and its outlying parts in front of me, I could turn it into a map of my childhood, adolesence and adulthood. It would be scratched through with first date spots, prom dinners, first (and second, and third) speeding tickets, first place I bought a car, first place I was kissed, childhood homes where I spent hours upon hours laughing with girlfriends, talking on the phone, studying for tests and putting together papers for school. I could circle all of the schools I subbed in, was an intern and student teacher, and taught as a professional teacher.
I would draw hearts around those places that hold memories of my courtship with the Wiz, all of those places that hold meaning for us. From the college football stadium, the quiet, romantic restaurant where we ate our first meal, the creaking wooden swing by the ocean where The Wiz proposed, the old mill where we took engagement photos, the sweet, cozy eatery where we hosted friends and family for our rehearsal dinner, the beautiful church where we promised to forsake all others and love only each other. I would draw a star, giant and golden, where our breathtakingly adorable and sweet son was born.

This place, all of these moments- this is the fabric that has stitched together the last 21 years of my life.

But now, with lots of prayer, with home, with pride about my husband's accomplishment, it's time to add another square to the quilt that makes up our life together. Illinois is beckoning.

I would be lying if I said I was ready, but I am honestly willing. I will spend the next few months, as The Wiz commutes from Chicago to SC on the weekends until our house sells or until his company buys it, is fervent prayer. I am going to miss my South Carolina life with a vengeance. I am incredibly close with my family, always have been, and I'm not sure what life looks like without them as a weekly part of it. My prayers will focus on asking God for his peace, trying to increase my trust in his plan for our family, and asking that he keep us on his path by putting us in the right neighborhood, putting the right people in our path, and so on.

We are figuring that the Munchkin and I probably won't make the move until March or April, as his company usually asks that we try to sell our house for 90 days before they will buy it. So until then, I plan to soak up my friends, my family, this beautiful, mild weather, (insert laugh track) and researching my future city. I aim to look at this new step as an adventure. A new place means layer upon layer of discoveries to be made. It means I am getting a fresh, new, unmarked map upon which to make memories. I aim to walk towards this door with excitement and hope for what our new life can be, while keeping a firm hold on who I am, from where I came, and the people I will always love and will always be a part of my life.

So, there it is, our big news. I hope you will all pray for our family as we make this new transition, and prepare yourselves for the biggest, most fun farewell party you've ever seen!

Love,
Emily

Amazing how time flies...

I know, I know, it's been FOREVER since I've posted. Here's the thing- my baby, my little boy, my Munchkin? Became MOBILE. And my life, "spare" time and energy level haven't been the same since. He's been walking for 4 months now, as well as CLIMBING STAIRS. As much as he can, anyway. I promise I'll update more and work on posting more often (as in, more than once every four months!) from now on, but we recently returned from the beach and I snapped a recent picture with my bug that I'd thought I'd share. We vacationed in Hilton Head with my family, the same beach I vacationed in summer 2010, 2 months before Munchkin was born. Enjoy the pics and I'll update more soon. (From the pics you'll see I haven't come close to my "15 before 30" goal- especially as my big 3-0 is this Thursday! Again, a post for another day!)

In order, from top to bottom:Preggers with the Munchkin in 2010, posing with Munchkin last week, age 14 months, and then my gorgeous little Beach Bum Baby vamping for the camera...

15 before 30, Part 2!

I DID IT! I actually COMPLETED the first level of Jillian Michaels' 30 day Shred! I can't believe it!

Background- about 5 months ago, I first bought the DVD, determined that since Jillian Michaels is an evil genius, the workouts were only 20 minutes, and since I needed to get busy on getting back into shape, this DVD would be a perfect fit for me.

Wrong, wronger, wrongest.

Each level is 20 minutes, with 3 6-minute circuits, a warm up and cool down. I didn't make it past the first 6 minute circuit back then. And, I was so sore the next day I could barely walk.

I haven't touched the DVD since then, but have been spending time (on and off) walking our neighborhood with the Munchkin in the stroller, trying to build up my strength and endurance after basically being on bed rest (self-imposed, thank you heart condition.) the last 2 months of my pregnancy.

Yesterday I decided that I was bored with the neighborhood walks, and that I would try the 30Day Shred DVD again. I just figured I'd get through whatever I could, and that would be okay. I was determined that whatever my best was, would be good enough, and I plan to keep it up until I can conquer the whole workout.

Well, LAWD Ah-Mercy! I guess those walks helped me get my body back a little bit more than I realized- because I made it through the entire 20 minute workout! This may not seem like much if you're not familiar with Jillian's workouts, but yes, it was a doozy and I'm feeling SO good mentally today for completing it.

Yes, my body is sore today, but after what I accomplished yesterday, I realized that I CAN do this, and I CAN get stronger and stronger with each work out. My body may be sore, but my mind is sharp, but drive even stronger. I can only guess that each time I do the workout, it will be harder at first (thanks to sore muscles) but will eventually get easier so I can move on to the harder levels of 2 and 3.

Another light bulb also went off for me yesterday. I planned on trying the workout during Munchkin's morning nap, figuring that 20 minutes could definitely be spared to help me work towards my goal of a healthier body. But leading up to his nap time, my mind couldn't help starting to notice all of the unfinished household tasks that I needed to tend to. Laundry needed to be moved around and folded. There were dishes in the sink, and as always, the kitchen floor was in desperate need for some sweeping. I could feel the to-do list weighing on me and guilt starting to creep in. Then, suddenly, I got pissed. What's more important, truly, important- folding the laundry right away or tending to my own personal health?

That's when I realized- as a mom, indeed I'd argue as a woman, we are trained/taught/brought up/pressured to put ourselves after so many other things- our families, our husbands, our jobs, our clients, our household tasks, the family pets, and so on. My needs and wants are by no means more important than those of my family and husband, but dang it, doesn't my body and health come before dirty dishes?! The answer, I realized, is YES.

Feeling good and ready for the next work out. Bring it, Jillian.

Linking up with Shell this week for PYHO!

PYHO: 15 before 30

Time for some truth, people.
1. I have always been known, in my family, as the one (out of three children) who struggles the most with her weight.
2. I have always been known, in my family, as the "good eater," the "sugar addict," and so on.
3. I had a baby 10 months ago. When I got pregnant, I weighed 144 pounds. (I'm 5'3"). I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, which turned out to be a blessing, because I only gained 19 pounds by following the mandatory diet.
4. I now weigh 143.5 pounds, and although I know it's *great* (barf) that I'm back to my pre-preggo weight, I am very, very, self-concious about my body.
5. Every time I look in the mirror, I notice my double chin, how my belly sticks out as if I'm still 3 months pregnant, how my arms flap in the wind, how much junk seems to be in my trunk.
6. Every time I eat with others- my family and my friends, I wonder if they are judging me for what I eat and how much I eat, because I am unhappy with the way I look.
7. I really used to like going to the gym after work, beating out stress on the treadmill or elliptical.
8. I am really, really, struggling with finding the time and motivation to exercise.
9. I really, really, want to lose (at least) 15 pounds. I want to feel good in my body, to be proud, physically strong, and confident in my body.
10. My mind is so full of negative self-talk, that I really truly doubt that I can physically accomplish what my mind and heart want to accomplish-strength, muscle, leanness, health.

I turn 30 on October 6th. When that day comes, I know I can look at my life and feel so blessed- I have had an incredible adventure as a teacher (which I hope to continue after our child(ren) get older, I have an amazing, faithful, perfect-for-me husband, a sweet, precious little boy and more loving family and friends than a girl could ask for. But on that day, I also want to reflect on my self, and feel proud. Part of that pride is going to come from losing these 15 pounds, by becoming strong and healthier. I'm praying by putting this into writing, it will help my resolve.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I will do this.

(Old) Preggo picture! Linking up with Shell!

One of the BEST things about having a due date in the middle of August was the fact that I had NO problem hanging out in a bathing suit. I was supposed to have a big belly! Maternity bathing suit + 30 weeks pregnant = care free mama-to-be!

My newest addicition..CVSing!!

I've embarked upon this couponing journey to save as much money as I can for our family. It is a learning process, but I am enjoying learning new tips, finding new coupon sites, and planning for shopping trips. I am by no means an "Extreme Couponer" nor do I wish to be. I see the logic in buying three or four bottles of shampoo if it's on sale and I have a coupon, however, I don't see myself buying 40 bottles of mustard or clearing the shelves of packaged noodles to stick in every nook and cranny in my house.

The latest leg of my journey took place at CVS. I'm trying to learn how to maximize sales, coupons and their "Extra Care Bucks" reward system in order to save big on health and beauty supplies. Basically, I went through the most recent CVS ad, matching their sales to coupons I had and items I needed. ECB are a form of CVS "currency" which print out after a transaction. For example, there might be a sale like "Buy 2 deodorants and get $3 in ECB back." Then you can turn around and use those ECB as currency on your next transation. It does require multiple transactions at the register, which made me a bit flustered. In all, I had NINE transactions. It was a little embarrasing, but the check out lady was very kind. The next time I do this, I'll probably go in the evening after Munchkin is asleep and The Wiz is at home so I can avoid feeling like I'm holding up a line of people behind me.

Here are my best deals this week, using coupons, sales and ECB:
1 Revlon Nail Polish- I paid $1.06, saving $4.50
3 jars spaghetti sauce, 3 jars of pb- I paid $10, saving $9.98
2 boxes Thermacare Heat wraps- I paid $1.69, saving $12.40
2 bottles Listerine- I paid $1.90, saving $8.80
6 bottles Suave Shampoo - I paid $8.56, saving $5.32 (I didn't have any coupons, but spending this much allowed me to get ECB to save on another item.)
2 boxes Arm and Hammer dryer sheets- I paid $2.77, saving $6.59
4 sticks Suave deodorant- I paid .54 cents, saving $4.98


I bought a few other things, but I didn't save as well on those items. It's a learning process for me, but I am really enjoying it. It's almost like a game to play, that in the end saves my family money.

Any tips for me to increase my CVS savings?? Help a girl out!