Seven weeks old tomorrow!

PHEW! I can't believe that Patrick will be seven weeks old tomorrow! This motherhood thing is incredible, and incredibly hard! I can't tell you how many times a day I look at him and think about how beautiful he is, or how cute, or how grateful I am to have him. I think back to all those months of trying to get pregnant and just say a prayer of thanks. It's amazing how connected I feel to him. I will say, the first two weeks of his life were the hardest weeks of mine so far. I was exhausted, partly because of labor and partly because I couldn't sleep once we were home- every peep or grunt he made had me jumping out of bed to see if he was okay. On top of that, breastfeeding! Whoa. I had no idea how painful it would be when my first milk came in, or how much anxiety I would feel over making sure he was eating enough, making sure I was recognizing his "hunger signs" and giving him what he needed. It was a lot of pressure, and there were MANY times those first two weeks that I regretted trying breastfeeding, wanted to give up, and decided I'd never have another baby again, because I couldn't handle the stress. I cried more than I've ever cried before, several times a day, about the most silly things!
Thankfully, with the passage of time and a little help from Mr. Zoloft, things began to even out with my hormones, I started getting the hang of things, and started to actually enjoy being a mom. There are still days when I have to secure Patrick in his swing and walk down the hall for a second because he's crying, and I've tried everything I can do to make him comfortable or console him to no end. Sometimes moms just need a break, even if it's only 5 minutes. There are also some nights when I can't believe how tired I am, or how much this little guy eats. But, I'm still amazed that when he wakes up at night and cries to eat, his cry strikes a chord through me-it's almost a physical experience-and I'm up and ready to feed him.
I am also officially a "stay at home mom" as I resigned from my job last week. It was a harder decision than I realized it would be. Especially during those first two weeks after Patrick was born, I would start to day dream about getting my classroom ready, putting on decent looking clothes, having adult interaction, having a purpose other than to be the main food source and caretaker of this little guy. (These day dreams would happen usually during a crying fit, or when I'd been without adult interaction for a while!) But then came the question: who in the world can possibly take care of my son better than me? With more love? I'm sure I know plenty of capable friends and family members that would do an excellent job of taking care of him during the day while I worked, but I just couldn't imagine handing him over to someone every morning and being away from him all day. After things started to smooth out, I started to realize that I could handle being at home all day. I've lined up a few activities-weekly mall walks with a girlfriend, a Bible Study for moms, a weekly date night with my hubby. With those things, on top of the business of doing a mom and house wife's work- keeping order in our home and taking care of our little guy, I'm plenty busy! I will admit that I started an "accomplishment journal" in my daily planner. I've started listing all of the things that I accomplish each day, just so I can look back on it and feel good about my whole day, and avoid feeling like all I've done all day is sit on the couch and hold my child. It may seem silly, and I may not always need it, but as I'm just starting this new job, it's something that makes me feel good to do, so I'll continue to do it.
My friend Angela, who has a blog of her own which follows life with twin girls, has an incredible talent for photography. She was kind enough to come over and do a "photo shoot" with Patrick! Hope you like them!

He's here!!!!!

Patrick Kevin arrived on August 7, 2010, at 7:41 am. He weighed 6 pounds, 11 ounces and was 18 and a half inches long at birth. We are doing well, and are adjusting to this crazy, amazing, wonderful life with our little man!! Pictures and more info to come soon, as soon as I get more than a minute!!! He looks JUST like his daddy- which I love.

37 week photo

Large and in charge! Please pay no attention to the lack of make up and messy hair. I did actually shower the day this picture was taken, I just didn't get much farther than that in the primping phase.

The waiting game

As of today, I'm 37 weeks and two days along. According to everyone I've talked to, I'm officially "full term" at this point, which is cool! I'm feeling...decent. :) Over the last two weeks I've been dwelling on the fear factor associated with labor-the pain, the issues that could come up, the unknown. But now, at this point, as I'm feeling like all of baby's clothes are washed, all of his 'equipment' (bassinet, crib, glider, swing, etc.) is assembled, our bags are packed, relaxing music has been downloaded for labor, and so on, my mind is starting to change. Being pregnant is one of the coolest, most unique blessings a person can experience. But I'm getting to the point where I'm feeling more ready to meet our guy. I am SO curious about what he looks like, what his little personality will shape up to be, to see DH interacting with his son. I also wouldn't mind not feeling like I'm hauling a giant sack of rocks around my middle, or the back ache either. :)
I am really trying to cherish these last few days and weeks with my hubby, though. I don't want to wish away our final days as "just the two of us." I am a bit sad and scared that this twosome time is about to be over, because it has been absolutely incredible. We have traveled all over the world, thrown parties and get togethers for friends and family, and grown together so much. I know that the next chapter is also going to be incredible, but there is the "unknown factor" that always exists with change that can be a bit frightening. We have been spending a lot of time together the last few weeks, just talking about everything under the sun, watching movies, and just enjoying each other's company. I know my husband is a sweet man, but his sweet side has come out even more over the last few weeks. He's started just spontaneously saying these surprising, touching things to me, seemingly out of nowhere. This time together has been lovely, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.
The other interesting thing I realized today-I've actually been having some BH contractions. I've noticed my belly feeling really hard now and then throughout the day, as well as some, ahem, pressure (down there!). I thought the belly hardness was just baby's body pushing out because he's running out of room. But as I looked back through my childbirth class notes and talked to my sister, I think these are actually BH contractions. WHOA! The other bit of news- (I think I've shared that I'm a "high risk" pregnancy because of a heart condition I have. Pregnancy has been fine and my heart has done absolutely beautifully so far, thank God!) But this week I've noticed a few short (10 sec) fast heart beats, being a little bit more out of breath than normal, etc. Doc asked that I let them know if this starts happening, because it may mean it's time to pick an induction date. I go to see the doc tomorrow, so we'll update him then. I have been praying to avoid an induction, because I think it's usually best when baby and your body kick in to labor naturally. At the very least, if he wants me to pick an induction date soon, I hope he'll let us wait until early next week when my sister will be here, and my mom will be back from out of town. Anyways, that's the latest! Going to try to post a 37 week picture soon, if I can. :)

35 week check up

According to the doc, Baby's head is "very low" and I'm about 1 cm dilated, 90% effaced (ACK!) and plus 1 station. WHOA!!!! I'm only 35 weeks and I'm at plus 1?! 90%?!
I'm feeling nervous now and have decided to put myself on partial bed rest...I just want him to stay put for at least 2-3 more weeks, so that he can have more time to grow and develop. I really, really, am praying that he's not premature and doesn't have to spend time in the NICU.
PRAYERS, please!!!!

A brave new goal

I have loved to read everything I could get my hands on and I've loved to write ever since I was a kid. I loved to write stories, and to journal about my life, achingly analyzing each event all through middle and high school. As life became more about writing papers in college, reflection essays in graduate school, or letters to parents at work as a teacher, my passion and time spent writing waned. I've kept up the journaling a bit, especially as a way to relieve stress and to unburden my worried mind in times of conflict. But I still love language, love to read, love to tell stories. I have also always harbored a dream of being the next Beverly Cleary, Judy Blume, Laura Ingalls Wilder, or (dream big!) J.K. Rowling. Have I nurtured this dream by studying creative writing in college, or working on stories in my free time? No. Have I worked consistently to bring this dream to reality by attending writing conferences or courses? No. I got caught up, as is understandable, in creating a life for myself that followed the path of college and a financially stable job. I know, excuses, excuses. Shoulda, coulda, woulda. Well, I can feel this urge to write more welling up in me. I have no idea if it'll go anywhere, or if I'll end up a published writer or anything as amazing as that, but I've set some goals for myself. Here we go:
Goal 1: To begin writing a minimum of three days a week. My focus will be on trying different fiction story ideas, specifically for children or young adults.
Goal 2: To find some resources that offer tips and guides about how to improve my writing skills.
Goal 3: To study 1 children's author's craft a month, by reading at least 2 of his or her books and looking at his or her style.
Goal 4: To eventually, within the next year, join the South Carolina Writer's Workshop, attending at least two of their meetings.
Goal 5: Within the next year, to attend the South Carolina Writer's Workshop conference in Myrtle Beach.
Now, I know you're probably saying I'm insane because I'm due to have my first baby in about 5 weeks, and I have no idea how much work that's going to entail. I agree with you. But, it's good to have goals, right? Wish me luck!

32 weeks and at the beach!