God's whisper and Mary's obedience

Tuesday marks an extremely important day for DH and me. I will be six weeks and 1 day pregnant, and we have our first appointment with the Fetal Medicine doctor, Dr. G. I am both excited and terrified about this. If I had to put a number on it, I'd say I'm about 10% excited and 90% terrified. I never realized how much pregnancy would increase my prayer life, but it feels like I have been praying almost nonstop since I saw that pregnancy test. I have a congenital heart condition, and because of that, Dr. G wants to monitor me closely. This means having my first ultrasound on Tuesday. When I first learned of this appointment, my first reaction was purely emotional. Emotionally, I wrapped all of the possible negatives of this early appointment, especially the negative "what ifs" around me, and wallowed in them. They seemed to be drowning me in desperation. For some reason, deep in my soul, I don't feel that I am worthy to have my dreams come true. Specifically, my dream of conceiving and bearing children with DH. Perhaps it's Lucifer himself putting these thoughts in my head, but I just have the hardest time believing that this wonderful thing is actually happening to me. Thus, I spend entirely too much time trying to "prepare" myself for the worst and fighting back my hopes with negativity if I feel they are getting too big for their britches, so to speak. This past week, however, I've really been trying to focus on God, and not on my worries. This is incredibly difficult to do. God is so quiet. God is so unimposing, unlike my raging, screaming emotions. Sometimes it feels like He's not even here. This, I know isn't true, but wow my feelings can drown Him out. Over the last two weeks, I've found much solace in praying my Rosary, asking Mary to pray for me, my husband, my child and some of my fellow pregnant friends. Especially in light of Christmas, I've been thinking about her. What an obedient, faithful woman. Her situation was unlike any other there's ever been. Yet look at her faith, her unfailing belief that her God was there for her. That He was going to bring her through this situation unscathed. I'm trying to learn from Mary, and to fashion myself into a woman with even just a portion of the faith that she had. Lately my prayers have been praising God, and thanking Him for this pregnancy, acknowledging that He loves this child more than I ever will (which is hard to fathom, considering what I already feel for this baby) and acknowledging that He knows what He's doing. I know that this baby is God's child, and that I am only its earthly caretaker. I've been praying that my baby is growing and developing normally and is in perfect health, and that my body can fully sustain this child for the duration. I've also been praying that God reveals a healthy, strong fetal heart beat on Tuesday, as it is my biggest fear that they will be unable to locate one. The last time I spoke to my good friend Maeve to tell her my news, after the initial excitement, she asked if she could pray for me. Her prayer was so touching and humbling, and one thing she said really struck me, "Please help Amelia to remember that her emotions are not reality, and that You are higher and bigger than any emotions she may be feeling." I'm holding on to all of these things, trying to tune out the screaming emotions in my head to focus on God's ever present, reassuring whisper. Please pray for us friends, especially in the next few days, especially Tuesday. I am planning to continue my Rosaries, along with daily Mass tomorrow. I selfishly ask for any and all prayers you can spare and appreciate all you can do.

Miracle

Here it is, folks. In writing. I'm terrified to do it, but it's true.
I'm. Pregnant. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was totally shocking. It still feels like I'm in the middle of a dream, a dream that is so wonderful because I'm so happy but yet terrifying because of all of the unknowns, all of the "what ifs" and possibilities. So, let me back up. Last week, when I started this blog, I was at the end of my two week wait. DH and I just went for it in November as usual, but with all of these months of "no" and BFN, and my levels still not being quiiiiite what the doctor wanted them to be, I honestly didn't think there was a chance. I was already preparing myself for the appointment with the RE doctor and for the impending tests and procedures that would take place. Well, my cycle is typically 28-30 days long, and in the last few months, my period has come on day 28 without fail. Day 28 came and went this month, and I chalked it up to the fact that we'd been traveling, holiday stress, etc. Day 29, nothing. Day 30, nothing. Finally, I woke up at 4:45 Day 31 and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I just wanted to stop thinking about it-so I figured I'd take a test just to confirm that it was negative and that my period was coming any day. I peed on the stick, put it back on the toilet and went back to bed for 15 minutes. All I could do in those 15 minutes was pray, and say Hail Marys. My heart was racing and all I could ask was just that God be with me and support me when I saw the "not pregnant" words again. I asked that He helped me to accept the negative results, because I just "knew" that's what was going to show up.
At 5 am, I got back up, and walked into the bathroom. I think I actually did a double take and tried to wipe the sleep out of my eyes, because I thought they were blurry. "Pregnant." WHAT? ME? PREGNANT? IT WORKED? God has said, "Yes." ?????? I was shaking and crying and thanking Him. I had to run upstairs to wake up DH (he had fallen asleep on the couch in the TV room). Poor thing- I really tried not to scare him half to death when I woke him up at 5 in the morning. I made him read the stick again just to make sure it said what I thought it said. I kept looking at it, waiting for the word "not" to appear on the stick. He was so sweet and happy, and I just couldn't get my heart to stop racing. Even now, a week later, I still can't believe it. I'm 5 weeks and two days, and it's still incredibly early. Now I'm battling with many fears, anxieties, and worries, not to mention the fact that I'm trying not to get too excited, just in case the worst happens. I called my OB/GYN and considering my past history with low progesterone levels, and my family members' history with preterm labor and the need for progesterone injections, they prescribed me a progesterone supplement just to be cautious. I also have a congenital heart condition, so they told me they'd be consulting with a Fetal Medicine Specialist to make sure everything was going well and to monitor me carefully. So, you can imagine the fears swirling around in my heart and my head. In fact, I have an appointment next week (three days before Christmas) with the Fetal Medicine Specialist to do an ultrasound to check my baby's progress and to check my heart's progress, etc. This spun me into a major meltdown two days ago when the appointment was made. My meltdown centered around the worry that they wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat, because six weeks is still pretty early! My OB didn't want to see me until January when I was eight weeks because I'd be far enough along to detect a heartbeat. So what if they can't??? Does that mean that I've miscarried, or is is just too early to detect it? I asked my OB nurse and she reassured me that the Fetal Med ultrasound equipment is more high tech than theirs, and that this appointment was really to focus on how I'm doing. I'm just focusing now on being grateful for being pregnant, for the privelege of carrying this child, whom God loves more than I do, whom He has ordained me to carry. I'm also trying to focus on surrendering this to Him, reminding myself that He knows what He's doing, and asking Him to ensure that this baby continues to grow healthy and develop correctly. I'm also praying that we are able to detect this baby's heartbeat next week, and that my body continues to be able to sustain this life and give the baby everything it needs. Please, please, dear friends, pray for us. My appointment is next Tuesday and I can use all of the prayers and support that we can get.