The last few days have been a little more rough than we're used to around here. Munchkin is a pretty mellow dude, smiley, content to play independently for long enough for me to load the dishwasher, switch laundry around or just sit down for 10 minutes. I've been spoiled by his sweet disposition, so much so that this week, when he was diagnosed with pink eye and his first ear infection, on top of a second tooth coming in, I have almost lost my mind several times. In addition, I've also been sick, mostly a cough, sore throat and exhaustion from coughing all night. His increased fussiness, clinginess, screaming, crying, have been quite the trial for me. (The Wiz is out of town, too!)
Today I just about lost my shiz over the stupidest thing. With Munchkin's new mobility, going to the bathroom is even more eventful. So, I thought I'd put the pack and play together so I could stick him in that and pee in peace. The pack and play is not my friend. Suffice it to say, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, cursing, and so on. It was one of those every-part-but-one-is-working-and-I-can't-fix-this-one-part-the-baby-is-crying-trying-to-climb-up-my-leg-I-just-need-to-pee-ohmygooooooooooooooooooooooooooosssssssssssssssssssh!!!!!!!!!!!!
At one point I looked up to the heavens and cried out, "I can't do this!! I just can't do it! I wasn't meant to do this!!!" I felt so overwhelmed and ill-equipped to deal with this poor sick baby while not feeling well myself, then I felt immediately silly and guilty because the reality is- I felt like a wimp. Yes, my husband is out of town. Yes, my baby is fussy, and I don't feel good either. But it can always be worse, and I do have help- my parents are incredible. And I only have ONE baby. How many mothers are there out there with more babies, with more problems, less help, more stress, who COMPLAIN and STRESS OUT less than me?? The fact that I am so selfish and so wimpy makes me question whether I'm truly cut out for this stay at home stuff. I hate cleaning the house, and can always find something else to do during Munchkin's nap than mop the floors or dust. My temper is so short some times, and I worry that Munchkin will turn into some bad tempered maniac because he's seen me freak out on several occasions.
I love my son more than words can describe, and I can't imagine nor do I want to hand him over to someone else to take care of him every day. I can't imagine not being there for his smiles all day, to tickle his belly and make him laugh. I want to be the one he snuggles up against before his naps, to be the one that gets to greet him first when he's all sleepy and smiley after he's woken up from his nap. I just feel so inadequate. He deserves so much. He deserves the best- the best person to teach him, to train him up in the way he should go. He deserves someone who is unendingly patient and compassionate for all of his needs. I don't have the ability to be perfect, kinda perfect, near perfect, nothing. How can I train him in the way he should go when I feel so far off the godly path myself?
I feel so small, so incomplete- like I have a few parts of the good mommy recipe, but that I'm missing some very important, very essential, ingredients and I don't have the currency or smarts to attain those missing pieces.
Lord, help this inadequate mommy overcome the worst parts of herself to be the mommy the Munchkin deserves.
Wordless Wednesday - Rainy Day activities
5 years ago