Monday, June 14, 2010

Things that I'm freaking out about...(Pouring my heart out, in honor of my sis' blog!)

The UNKNOWN. SO much is unknown right now.
Is this going to be too hard? The labor, the pain, the delivery?
The fact that we are utterly responsible for our little guy's safety, health, well- being, development.
Am I too inherently selfish for this job, this role as mother?
Will I be a good parent? Will DH be a good parent?
Will we agree on discipline?
How will my relationship change with DH? We believe strongly that the marriage is and should be the center of the family, and that our roles as husband and wife should come first. But, there are guaranteed to be big changes for us on the horizon. What will they be? How will they affect us, our relationship?
Will I become boring to my husband? Especially when my role as mom is going to be very time consuming and exhausting?
Will we run out of things to talk about? Will we turn into one of those couples at restaurants that simply sit across from each other, chewing, not interacting?
Will I have the energy to do this?
Will I have the energy to stay ME throughout this transition?
Will anxiety get the best of me when it comes to my child?
I've always imagined having several children- 3 or 4 at least. But really, truly, do I have the temperament for that many? What about money? Kids are EXPENSIVE!
I'm going to miss the 'just the two of us' time, the ability to hop in the car or on a plane and go somewhere fun and exciting.
How do people do this? We want a good sized family, but this pregnancy journey has worn me out emotionally. There is so much unknown, so many fears throughout each stage of pregnancy. People actually do this more than once or twice?? Does it get easier with each pregnancy? And I haven't even really HAD a difficult pregnancy. I just get myself so worked up with worrying about the baby's health, how my choices are affecting him, what I eat, how he's growing, is he moving enough, will he come early? (God forbid!) How will I deal with labor and delivery? How will nursing go? What if it is too challenging for us to nurse?
How do these women do it? These women that seem to 'have it all, to do it all'? The women that have babies, go back to work that they seem to love, maintain their sense of identity, keep up their hobbies, go on trips with their husband and child(ren) as if nothing has changed? Where do they get the energy? Do they worry about the caretakers that are with their children while they're at work? Not just about their child(ren)'s safety with these caretakers, but about whether the caretaker is taking THEIR place in the child's life? I'm seriously curious. I wonder if I'm too neurotic to leave my child with anyone like that on a regular, all day basis.
That's just some of the worries that streak across my brain at any given time throughout the day. I love, love, love my child already and only want him to be healthy and well, but this is the honest truth of the other things I'm feeling emotionally.


  1. Two things: 1) PYHO is on Wednesdays and you should link up on Shell's blog so that other PYHOers come visit and comment on your post. (I'll talk you through it later.)

    2) I think you will find that EVERY first time Mom has at least some, if not all, of these same questions. The answer just have to wait and see! Life is never going to be the same. So hang on and enjoy the ride. You are going to love it (even when you don't!!)

  2. LOL- Sorry I got the day wrong for PYHO, sis! Although, I think most of my blog posts are pouring my heart out type posts- it's either that or allow my hormones to get the best of me these days.
    PS- Like my visitor counter?? ;)