Sunday, December 20, 2009

God's whisper and Mary's obedience

Tuesday marks an extremely important day for DH and me. I will be six weeks and 1 day pregnant, and we have our first appointment with the Fetal Medicine doctor, Dr. G. I am both excited and terrified about this. If I had to put a number on it, I'd say I'm about 10% excited and 90% terrified. I never realized how much pregnancy would increase my prayer life, but it feels like I have been praying almost nonstop since I saw that pregnancy test. I have a congenital heart condition, and because of that, Dr. G wants to monitor me closely. This means having my first ultrasound on Tuesday. When I first learned of this appointment, my first reaction was purely emotional. Emotionally, I wrapped all of the possible negatives of this early appointment, especially the negative "what ifs" around me, and wallowed in them. They seemed to be drowning me in desperation. For some reason, deep in my soul, I don't feel that I am worthy to have my dreams come true. Specifically, my dream of conceiving and bearing children with DH. Perhaps it's Lucifer himself putting these thoughts in my head, but I just have the hardest time believing that this wonderful thing is actually happening to me. Thus, I spend entirely too much time trying to "prepare" myself for the worst and fighting back my hopes with negativity if I feel they are getting too big for their britches, so to speak. This past week, however, I've really been trying to focus on God, and not on my worries. This is incredibly difficult to do. God is so quiet. God is so unimposing, unlike my raging, screaming emotions. Sometimes it feels like He's not even here. This, I know isn't true, but wow my feelings can drown Him out. Over the last two weeks, I've found much solace in praying my Rosary, asking Mary to pray for me, my husband, my child and some of my fellow pregnant friends. Especially in light of Christmas, I've been thinking about her. What an obedient, faithful woman. Her situation was unlike any other there's ever been. Yet look at her faith, her unfailing belief that her God was there for her. That He was going to bring her through this situation unscathed. I'm trying to learn from Mary, and to fashion myself into a woman with even just a portion of the faith that she had. Lately my prayers have been praising God, and thanking Him for this pregnancy, acknowledging that He loves this child more than I ever will (which is hard to fathom, considering what I already feel for this baby) and acknowledging that He knows what He's doing. I know that this baby is God's child, and that I am only its earthly caretaker. I've been praying that my baby is growing and developing normally and is in perfect health, and that my body can fully sustain this child for the duration. I've also been praying that God reveals a healthy, strong fetal heart beat on Tuesday, as it is my biggest fear that they will be unable to locate one. The last time I spoke to my good friend Maeve to tell her my news, after the initial excitement, she asked if she could pray for me. Her prayer was so touching and humbling, and one thing she said really struck me, "Please help Amelia to remember that her emotions are not reality, and that You are higher and bigger than any emotions she may be feeling." I'm holding on to all of these things, trying to tune out the screaming emotions in my head to focus on God's ever present, reassuring whisper. Please pray for us friends, especially in the next few days, especially Tuesday. I am planning to continue my Rosaries, along with daily Mass tomorrow. I selfishly ask for any and all prayers you can spare and appreciate all you can do.

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