Sunday, December 6, 2009

My brokenness

Beyond all the medical steps, finding new doctors, blood work, medicine, side effects, and so on, my heart and spirit have struggled with this situation in my life. Like so many women, I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I'd have trouble conceiving, especially after my charts showed that I was ovulating and that my luteal phases seemed long enough. I also never knew just how many women are affected by some level and degree of infertility. I have found extreme comfort in a handful of my girlfriends as we've been traveling this yellow brick road together. It seems now that the two I am closest with are a bit closer to Oz than I am- both are now pregnant. And that's okay. In fact, it is exciting and amazing as both of these women are two of the best human beings that I know and will be incredible mothers. It just gets a little lonely to feel as if I'm traveling this road alone. I've been struggling with my faith, with ugly feelings like jealousy and bitterness and anger at my Almighty. I think my biggest hurdle is changing my perspective. I know that on the inside, my emotions are that of a petulant two year old throwing a tantrum when she isn't given what she wants as soon as she wants it. I can't imagine how the Lord sees me right now, as I wrestle with unrighteous anger at the Author of Life. I keep seeing him as a Lord who is refusing to bless me and fulfill this desire of my heart for some reason. One of my two prego friends, Maeve, has such a good outlook compared to me. She sees Him as a God who is grieving along with me, working to fix my brokenness that originated with Adam and Eve and walking with me each step of the way. I just don't know why I can't get it out of my head that he is the All- Powerful God. Why doesn't he just say, "POOF!" and allow me to be pregnant, especially if he is grieving with me? Especially if He knows how my soul feels ripped to shreds each month that goes by without a positive pregnancy. I know I probably sound like one of the criminals on the cross next to Jesus- "If you're the Messiah, save yourself, and us, too!" But, it's the truth, the ugly truth, one I'm trying to change. I want to change how I see my Lord, but how do you balance out this all-powerful God with imperfect, broken circumstances? Why does he choose the hard way to fix us? The difficult way? I suppose I should look back on the cross. He chose such a difficult, strange way to save the world, didn't He? Through a baby, a human man, a perfect God-man who had no guilt, hanging on a cross. Having done nothing wrong to deserve any punishment, not to mention such a severe punishment, he suffered and died. Maybe we all suffer, in different ways, for what we want. Maybe it's the suffering that makes certain things all the more special, important, valuable. Maybe we'll never know why we suffer, especially for those things we most desperately want. But if we are to suffer for what we want, and the suffering is in direct proportion to our want, imagine how much Jesus wanted us to be saved.


  1. How beautiful and vulnerable you are! Struggling with brokenness makes me more aware of my need for Christ... not only for my sin, but for the effects of sin on my own body and life. What a sacrifice that was made. What an ultimate self sacrifice in order to restore the creation He loves. How little attention and gratitude I give my creator. How little I understand of my need. But when I am broken, when I am so fragile and feel abandoned... then I see the need. A hymn (by "Indelible Grace") that has comforted me through my own infertility struggles has beautiful and honest words of how pain and hope can co-exist:

    Dear Refuge of my weary soul
    On thee when sorrows rise
    On thee when waves of trouble roll
    My fainting heart relies

    To thee I tell each rising grief
    For thou alone canst heal
    Thy word can bring a sweet relief
    For every pain I feel

    But Oh, when gloomy doubts prevail
    I fear to call thee mine
    The springs of comfort seem to fail
    And all my hopes decline

    Yet gracious God where shall I flee?
    Thou art my only trust
    And I still my soul would cling to thee
    Thou prostrate in the dust

    Has thou not bid me seek thy face
    And shall I seek in vain?
    And can the ear of sovereign grace
    be deaf when I complain?

    NO still the ear of sovereign grace
    Attends the mourners prayer
    Oh I may I ever find access
    To breathe my sorrows there

    Thy mercy seat is open still
    Here let my soul retreat
    With humble hope attend thy will
    And wait beneath thy feet
    Thy mercy seat is open still
    Here let my soul retreat
    With humble hope attend thy will
    And wait beneath thy feet

    - download if from itunes. it is beautiful.

  2. "Maybe it's the suffering that makes certain things all the more special, important, valuable."

    BINGO! (Said the woman who can't carry a baby to term and inevitably ends up a psycho NICU-Mommy!)

    Love you and the new blog....

  3. Amelia,
    Our mutual friend, Erin, sent me the link to your blog. I just wanted to say that I know exactly what you are going through.

    A year ago to this day, I was charting my cycles and giving myself injections in the hopes that I would become pregnant. It took me almost a year until my prayers were answered... Two days after Christmas '08, my husband and I went to the infertility clinic one more time. After a quick IUI (our third one) we went home and prayed. Less than a week later, I found out I was pregnant! Now we are celebrating Christmas this year with our beautiful angel, Lea!

    Trust me... I know that there is NOTHING anyone can say to make you feel better while going through this. Don't give up hope, though. You WILL become a mother one day! Good luck in your journey and know that you are never alone.