Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Here it is, folks. In writing. I'm terrified to do it, but it's true.
I'm. Pregnant. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was totally shocking. It still feels like I'm in the middle of a dream, a dream that is so wonderful because I'm so happy but yet terrifying because of all of the unknowns, all of the "what ifs" and possibilities. So, let me back up. Last week, when I started this blog, I was at the end of my two week wait. DH and I just went for it in November as usual, but with all of these months of "no" and BFN, and my levels still not being quiiiiite what the doctor wanted them to be, I honestly didn't think there was a chance. I was already preparing myself for the appointment with the RE doctor and for the impending tests and procedures that would take place. Well, my cycle is typically 28-30 days long, and in the last few months, my period has come on day 28 without fail. Day 28 came and went this month, and I chalked it up to the fact that we'd been traveling, holiday stress, etc. Day 29, nothing. Day 30, nothing. Finally, I woke up at 4:45 Day 31 and I just couldn't get it out of my head. I just wanted to stop thinking about it-so I figured I'd take a test just to confirm that it was negative and that my period was coming any day. I peed on the stick, put it back on the toilet and went back to bed for 15 minutes. All I could do in those 15 minutes was pray, and say Hail Marys. My heart was racing and all I could ask was just that God be with me and support me when I saw the "not pregnant" words again. I asked that He helped me to accept the negative results, because I just "knew" that's what was going to show up.
At 5 am, I got back up, and walked into the bathroom. I think I actually did a double take and tried to wipe the sleep out of my eyes, because I thought they were blurry. "Pregnant." WHAT? ME? PREGNANT? IT WORKED? God has said, "Yes." ?????? I was shaking and crying and thanking Him. I had to run upstairs to wake up DH (he had fallen asleep on the couch in the TV room). Poor thing- I really tried not to scare him half to death when I woke him up at 5 in the morning. I made him read the stick again just to make sure it said what I thought it said. I kept looking at it, waiting for the word "not" to appear on the stick. He was so sweet and happy, and I just couldn't get my heart to stop racing. Even now, a week later, I still can't believe it. I'm 5 weeks and two days, and it's still incredibly early. Now I'm battling with many fears, anxieties, and worries, not to mention the fact that I'm trying not to get too excited, just in case the worst happens. I called my OB/GYN and considering my past history with low progesterone levels, and my family members' history with preterm labor and the need for progesterone injections, they prescribed me a progesterone supplement just to be cautious. I also have a congenital heart condition, so they told me they'd be consulting with a Fetal Medicine Specialist to make sure everything was going well and to monitor me carefully. So, you can imagine the fears swirling around in my heart and my head. In fact, I have an appointment next week (three days before Christmas) with the Fetal Medicine Specialist to do an ultrasound to check my baby's progress and to check my heart's progress, etc. This spun me into a major meltdown two days ago when the appointment was made. My meltdown centered around the worry that they wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat, because six weeks is still pretty early! My OB didn't want to see me until January when I was eight weeks because I'd be far enough along to detect a heartbeat. So what if they can't??? Does that mean that I've miscarried, or is is just too early to detect it? I asked my OB nurse and she reassured me that the Fetal Med ultrasound equipment is more high tech than theirs, and that this appointment was really to focus on how I'm doing. I'm just focusing now on being grateful for being pregnant, for the privelege of carrying this child, whom God loves more than I do, whom He has ordained me to carry. I'm also trying to focus on surrendering this to Him, reminding myself that He knows what He's doing, and asking Him to ensure that this baby continues to grow healthy and develop correctly. I'm also praying that we are able to detect this baby's heartbeat next week, and that my body continues to be able to sustain this life and give the baby everything it needs. Please, please, dear friends, pray for us. My appointment is next Tuesday and I can use all of the prayers and support that we can get.